Periods! Tampons! Bears! Oh my!

Sweet baby cuterus, is it just me or is it time for tampon packaging to undergo a serious makeover?

I shall preface this rant by saying that I use Carefree, so I apologise for any generalisations and misconceptions since I haven’t strayed far from this brand in a few hundred months. As everyone’s favourite Fat Bastard professed in 2002, “everyone loves their own brand”.

 As much as I hated my period in my teenage years, the days spent crumpled on the bathroom floor from excruciating cramps were almost worth it for all the useless facts I soaked up from Libra’s ‘Odd Spots’. Just because I’ve graduated to tampons, why does the useless facts jar in my brain cupboard have to suffer? I’d love to learn about the sleep cycles of short-tailed shrews and the fact that it’s a misdemeanour to kill a butterfly in Pacific Grove, CA regardless of whether I’m using a surfboard or a wetsuit to ride this month’s crimson wave. To be perfectly honest, I have never understood which product was which in that analogy.

 Most importantly though, why on earth does EVERY tampon package include instructions? Not only is this a waste of paper, but who the hell reads those things every month? I think it’s time we brought in skill levels.

 ‘My first tampon’ packs could include cute diagrams and inspirational messages along the lines of “Don’t give up, girlfriend!”, “Embrace the pain lady pal, you’re not knocked up!” and “Vaso is your friend, soul sistah”.

 While, ‘Advanced Sanitation’ and ‘I’m ready for menopause now’ boxes could include those nifty self-heating packs for cramps and a monthly newsletter discussing the effectiveness of Whoopi’s new line of Marijuana infused sanitary products and pain relief, a fiery op-ed on the inevitable take down of the patriarchy and a ‘How To’ guide on avoiding the pink tax. How bloody exciting would it be having a sneaky girls only newsletter to look forward to every month! I highly doubt any male has made it this far into my rant so we’ve got this, ladies.

What’s worse than having the period poops and the only reading material available are those damn instructions? At least I can recite all of the symptoms of TSS but that is beside the point, ladies! If manufacturers are going to waste a buttload of paper printing instructions then the least they could do is throw in a sudoku or a coupla Ryan Gosling ‘Hey Girl’ memes.

Image credit: Lindsay Budzynski

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